Grandpa Joe drinks too much and has decided to tear around the neighborhood on his walker. Aunt Tracy is going through her third divorce and can’t stop telling everyone how miserable it is. Your cousins are so obnoxious you want to sock them all. On the surface, extended family seems like nothing more than a group of eccentric people that you’re forced to see over the holidays. I dread Thanksgiving every year, because it’s filled with making cheap small talk, spending long hours socializing with crazy people, and parents hissing at me for acting morose. Until recently, I couldn’t say I knew much more about any of my relatives than their names. However, after turning a few of those small talks into deeper conversations, I discovered that extended family is not a curse, but a gift, and kids should make every effort to get to know who they really are.
Art by Carly Ichniowski Start with that seemingly nutty grandparent. Older generations offer wisdom and perspective from different eras. Try asking your grandfather what it was like growing up in the middle of World War II or see what your grandmother thinks about her life so far. Take the focus off you, because eventually they’re going to get tired of hearing about your grades or marginally increasing height. Give them the spotlight and they won’t forget it. Last summer, I asked my grandfather about my grandmother’s death. The conversation couldn’t have lasted more than ten minutes, but when I left, he suddenly called and emailed more than he ever had, telling me how glad he was that I asked. After our short conversation, he became so much more interested in my life. Suddenly he was my friend, and to him I was more than a juvenile kid glued to a computer screen.
Then there are the younger relatives. Some have one, others have twenty, and with the range of ages and parenting styles, with cousins it’s a battle to decide who gets the last piece of pie, let alone have a civilized talk. Older cousins ooze coolness from every pore, and from thirteen onwards talking with them feels like deciding where to sit in a high school cafeteria. Yet odd as it sounds, they have just as much to offer. We all grow up in different places with different people. Ask about each other’s parents, see what they love or hate most about where they live. Be bold and suggest a child swap for a week. Look beyond their trashy clothes or habits and remember that they are a kid just like you.
Besides, they will return the favor. Even your nutty aunt or uncle can be better than any therapist. Unlike grandparents, they aren’t too dated, and can help with figuring out how to function in the modern world. Offer to join them in their seemingly crazy rituals or see how they’re dealing with their kids. Soon, you’ll be comfortable enough to discuss an issue you have.
Aside from taking the role of a mentor, don’t forget that you and your family have a lot more in common than eyes or a last name. Chances are you have many of the same tendencies and thought patterns because you share the same genes. My grandmother is a private, obsessive person like me, and spending time with her is sometimes like looking in a mirror, but at the same time amusing to watch. It’s liberating to know that others share our quirks, and proof that living with our problems is possible.
A meaningful conversation with a relative goes miles. Yes, family gatherings only occur a few times a year, don’t always allow time for talks, and are messy as well as stressful beyond belief, but finding a close circle of relatives is a true treasure. Look forward to the next holiday season, especially because it’s just around the corner. View it as a chance to connect with people you previously dismissed as dull or overwhelming or wild and wacky, and they’ll forget the same labels they tagged to you.
